This is me vent journaling but im such a chud and too tired to figure out how to change the title. I'm unsure if I even want to use this template stuff. It's annoying not knowing what stuff does.
I am scared.
I am scared to fail.
I am scared to succeed.
I am scared of html and css and javascript and zonelets and the future and I don't know how to make a sicknasty website in a single day that is awesome and cool and swag and everyone loves me and thinks im so swag that they will give me all of their money!!!!!!!
I DONT FREAKING KNOW MAN. Is this a stupid idea? Will i drop this site after today? In a week? In 2 weeks? Probably. I'm good at that sort of thing. I'm good at deleting accounts out of embarrassment. Embarrassed by and only because of myself. Because of a lack of validation from strangers online. Because of a lack of will to learn and be better. I know not why I seek such glory and revel in the envy of others. I know not why I pick up new things, new hobbies, new interests, and drop them without any major attempt to better my skill or knowledge. It is not healthy. And yet I know this. And yet I will continue to repeat the cycle to find a man that is missing.
As I've grown older, I've envied those who have found their unique "special" interests. I am envious of those that know practically everything from a piece of media or a large collection of knowledge in a scientific hobby. I am envious of those that have a community and become staple members among others that would notice their absence if they were gone for a day. I am envious and I am sad. I am sad because I give weak-willed shots and claim it as failure the next day. This is a problem I have and I think now that even the incredibly few times I am frequently recognized in a group, I give it up. I get fatigued or uninterested and go on hiatus until it suits my desire to refill this niche need inside of me to be respected again.
With each word I type out, this feels pathetic. Woe is me. But I think this is healthy in some way to release this into the void and to forget about this when I fall asleep soon.
However, this is a feeling that creeps back in my mind many-a-times. And I will subdue it in some way. Like I always do.